my decision to move to this new blog is not difficult to fathom. i've decided to start a new lease of life, move on and put the past behind me. too many anger and bad memories lie in the old one, so much that i can't afford to look back behind. hence, this blog marks a new beginning for me, a new journey which life will be lived to the fullest without any regrets or dissapointment, as i've received countless of them. this is where it stops.
for the last few months, lotsa things have been crawling up into my life. throughout the 22 years and7 months since momma gave birth to this child, he's been wondering how much has he achieved in life. how much effort did he churn out to make a difference to this very world? one thing is for sure, tommy didn't know what were the right choices when it comes to choosing his path upon a crossroad. even when he tries to pick himself up when he falls, it seems like he's falling deeper and deeper into the shithole he has first dug. but of course, he's out of it now, and there's much cleaning up to do.
receiving this internship at siemens is really a great opportunity for me, to think through about my life all over again during my "break" time. it's already coming to three weeks now, and i'm savouring every single bit of the working world. one reason for feeling so its because work consumes a huge portion of my time, and I've come to learn how to cherish it more when it's scarce. lately, i've been pen-ning down my thoughts on how to spend my time wisely and effectively. time and devotion on where i've not allocated enough in the past, or the ones i've yet to discover. i'm not a good multitasker to be honest, and that's the reason why i tend to put in too much for anything that lies great importance to me, which in return sacrifices the other commitments in my life. i realised too that, pessimism is my worse enemy. therefore, i'll expect the worse out of everything, and channel whatever sources of energy i have in order to make things right, or obtain it. it's really draining to the soul, and i've lost it to the girl whom i've love most.
it's close to two years now since i've last gotten to know her. during my first conversation with her, conscious has already told me that this is the girl you're bringing home. this great lady's independance, determination, beauty and positivity never fails to keep me from thinking twice when courting her. but of course, i wasn't the only one chasing after the same dream everyone's been yearning for. fighting all the way to be the best man is in fact, a challenging task to the mind. overcoming her heart isn't an issue when that dream gives you the motivation. however, i've drawn myself back due to my low self-esteem. i've never doubt that, i'm worse off compared to the person she's with today, and that's why i chose to let go of everything the day i realised that. i believed that man can give her a better life as compared to this lousy person. so off i go, searching for a new pursuit and a new raison d'etre.
to love and to pursuit for someone you desire definitely feels great. but letting go is the hardest part. the whole world crumbles down upon you without any sign of mercy. crawling out of those heavy debris all over you makes you feel like giving up sometimes, including your life. i've tried the safest way, getting completely out of her life, so that she doesn't have to feel for my pain. filling up my life with lotsa activities with friends, taking up positions in my hall, and "seeking" for new soulmates was one of the ways i tried in order to distract myself. ignorance is definitely a bliss. here and there, she pops up out of my mind, the scar burned, and temporary healings were done with alcohol and nicotine, well not entire that of course. then i turned to God, because i believed that he grants eternal love. but i was too impatient, too desperate that i slided away from him.
a year and a half later, i come to learn that she has been going under an emotional roller coaster ride. for old time's sake, my hands didn't hesitate to reach out to her. and so did my feelings. the more she shared about her problems in her relationship with her friends, family, bf and herself, the more the heart was drawn closer to her. rationality was taking a break. nothing could help me including myself. so back i went, to the old self, having the old desire again. following the indications in my heart, i've decided to give it another go, praying that i can make up for things in the past. hoping that she will accept my cowardness, imperfections and start off something new. like the usual person i am, when i give in, i give it my fullest. and a fool i turned into.
it was definitely the greatest time i've had in my life for the last few months spending time with her. giving out your love like you never did, in return, receiving the best things from the person that loves you too. however, circumstances and principals parted us, which i didn't had the rationale to understand. the heart is not willing to take on reality when its weak. standing at the edge of the cliff after a long climb. not knowing whether should i take another step forward that will lead me to a great fall. no one can answer to questions like these in life. only god will let us know the reason for his doings, so long our hearts are still pateint. in fact, writing this down just enables me to have a clearer mind, learning how to look on the two sides of the coin and picking the better side. nurturing maturity as per se. i have made my choice, which is to step back and pursue a different route. easier said than done, its no easy task making a big u-turn back an start off from where you belong. but i gotta do it anyway, for if not, the consequences are hard to bear. i shall put my every last effort to move on, and should we meet at the crossroad in life again, i'll just leave it to god. escapism and fate doesn't go along well, doesn't it?
pondering through about this, realisation struck me that life hasn't ended yet.in fact, it has only begun. that's the reason why i intend to do so many things before i catch my last breath. to begin with, my resolutions for this year's gotta be achieved be it rain or shine. these are the list of things i wanna achieve by the end of this year, crossed-fingers. not an easy task, but i'm taking this as a test on myself, and pushing it to the highest limits.
1. run a marathon
2. diving license (not driving hello)
3. take up vocal lessons
4. win a dance competition
5. be a joyous person
6. love the people around me more
7. buy a bike
8. make a difference to this world
9. and lastly, draw closer to God
regardless of how much trainings, money, effort i put in, none of it can be achieved without point no.9 . hence, this day onwards i'll choose not to take any paths alone anymore, but with Him. i'll walk by faith, but not by sight. i'll not carry my own burdens, but to let Him shoulder it, for He is a loving and a kind God.
for God, we need not bear shame for the sins we've committed.
for God, there isn't any sufferings inflicted on every heart and every soul.
for God, all the most beautiful things are given to us, for he has carried the unsightly ones to the cross, so that we need not live to witness the pain. God is such a phenomenon don't ya think?
and he said to me,
"a brand new day has just begun."
I'd like to believe so.
Reality is something you rise above. -Liza Minnelli